THE REAL WEDDING CHECKLIST

Salah satu teman baru aja melepas masa lajangnya, meet the newlywed Cyndi!! Dan ada juga Sita!!!! Temen kita yang baru nikah dan sekarang sedang expecting (alias langsung gol ga ada jeda). So we decide to celebrate our two friends, by having lunch diluar beberapa hari yang lalu. The newlywed (termasuk yg sudah expecting), ceritanya request, 2 orang (me & merryza) yang sudah advance alias sebagai yang lebih lama berada di squad “Wife” share the do's & the don’ts for wives.  Apart from that, ada 3 orang teman yang masih “in relationship”,  tagged  along for that lunch, and they also willing to know more about “Married world”. They are Hanna, Cut & Okti. Obrolan lucu tapi saya pikir-pikir itu adalah obrolan paling penting buat newlywed or young woman in general. I thought, hey…no one told me about these stuff back then…pantesan banyak kejeblosnya alias error…

Orang-orang (termasuk gw dulu heheheh…) checklist for a wedding, isinya gedung, kebaya, catering, souvenir bla…..bla….bla…preparation BEFORE the ceremony. Certainly it’s far from sufficient. Wedding checklist harus juga include  preparation AFTER the ceremony, AFTER becoming Mr. & Mrs. And that AFTER part of the checklist, is the focus of our discussion in that lunch. We call it “The Real Wedding Checklist”.

In order to have a happy marriage and family, us (woman) & partner needs to work on things. So, a happy marriage and family is not given, you have to work hard to earn yourself with one. Next question is, what and how to work it? Let's see our checklist!

No 1 : Roles

Us & partner, need to have to get agreement mostly tentang bagaimana peranan masing-masing in marriage and family. I think at some point, menganggap gender equality adalah benar2 equal itu mislead. Mungkin lebih realistis dikatakan pembagian peran dan kontribusi yang imbang. Misalnya, suami janganlah menganggap enteng urusan rumah tangga dan mengasuh anak, bila disepakati peran & kontribusi terbesar seorang istri dalam keluarga adalah dalam hal tsb. Sebaliknya, istri juga jangan menuntut keterlibatan suami 100% dalam urusan rumah tangga dan anak-anak, bila disepakati peran & kontribusi terbesar suami adalah sebagai pemberi nafkah. Nah, itu butuh banget diskusi panjang lebar to know our & partner expectations, limitation, tolerance, in order to get the right balance of peranan masing-masing. Us & partner need to be very specific, real & practical, dalam mendiskusikan hal ini. Kalau diskusinya ngambang dan yang besar2 aja, dijamin pasti terkaget-kaget. You probably want to take a look at some summary that we have noted about husband and wife roles

• Role in house routines & bits

Saya amazed banget dengan cerita Hanna…Kebetulan di dalam adat tradisi Batak, setelah menikah, istri harus tinggal beberapa waktu di ruman mertua. Maksudnya adalah supaya istri mengerti, how the husband being raised and what are the routines at the house. Menurut saya, adat ini harus diteruskan, karena believe me, it will save you a lot of time for adapting to each other house routines.

Why? Because, mau tidak mau, kita selalu punya setting-an house routines  dari keluarga masing-masing. Kalau partner terbiasa disiapkan bekal ke kantor oleh ibunya dulu, which our family did not do that, kita bisa terkaget-kaget lho betapa itu matters banget untuk diketahui in order to give our partner that HOMEY feeling. Tanyakan household routine apa yang ada di rumahnya. Mungkin kita bisa tanya ke mertua saja kalau mau lebih gampang (similar dengan adat batak yang diceritain Hanna). In reality, it is the most important thing you need to know and vice versa!

• Role in earning income or career

Ini sering jadi item sensitive, apalagi generasi sekarang, perempuan juga punya aspirasi yang tinggi untuk punya karir and earning money. Kalau ternyata partner punya ekspektasi kita perannannya full at home, wakwak mungkin akan jadi masalah. Kalau ternyata diputuskan punya peranan yang sama imbang dalam hal mencari nafkah, limitation-nya apa? Apakah jam kerja? (e.g. boleh lembur ga? boleh banyak perjalanan dinas ga?, etc.), Apakah lokasi? (harus deket rumah, deket orang tua, etc.), Siapa yang mengelola keuangan keluarga (sentralisasi atau desentralisasi?) and so on and so on…You can add your own checklist

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• Role in raising kids

Merryza punya cerita yang lucu…it’s a constant battle to get her partner to clean up the kids….Simple sih, tapi kalau kita punya ekspektasi on what kind of father that we would like our partner to be or vice versa, its better they know from the start. Misalnya, kita ingin partner yang take lead dalam kegiatan fisik anak2, atau untuk pendidikan anak2. Sebaliknya, tanya juga ekspektasi partner terhadap peran kita in raising kids, apakah 100% harus  oleh kita alias no asisten (apakah itu orang tua, kakak or baby sitter)? Itu just a few questions that pops up during that lunch.

No 2 : Danger Zone

Okay, this section is not to be discussed with our partner hahahahaha…But it’s kind of list of threat for your marriage and family and tips on how to deal with it. Sometime, us, woman tend to get lost in our own definition of happily ever after, for far too long. Kita pikir, once the vow is spoken, the bond will AUTOMATICALLY strong at all condition , in better or worse, happiness & sorrow. Well, we agreed that it is not quite like that at all in Reality. We need to INTENTIONALY WORK on the bond to remain strong at all condition. The work need to be done are some of these listed below, based on our discussion.

• Location…Location…Location

Sama halnya dengan prinsip jualan, kalau mau customer banyak yang datang, toko kita harus sedekat mungkin dengan targeted customer kita dan harus terlihat oleh targeted customer kita. Our partner, our family, also need us to be close and to be seen by them in order for the bond remain intact. So, sebisa mungkin stay in the same location, always. Yes mungkin ada teknologi yang semakin canggih, kita bisa skype, video call, etc. But nothing can replace our presence. If you are not present, somebody else will be present for them and that somebody else will take your place. Finally the bond will be slipping away…

• Stay connected

Well, tentunya being at the same location, even the same house or the same bed doesn’t mean that you are connected. Masih perlu usaha lebih keras lagi. TALK to them about their day or your day, no matter it is a happy or a bad day. NURTURE your interest toward their hobies, learn about it, try it. THROW AWAY your gadget whenever you are with your loved ones, give them your 100% attention. If your boss can get your 100% attention, you need need to give your partner or kids 300%. By doing that, they will see you as a friend to talk to, to share their happiness and sorrow. If not, they will seek someone else to talk to, and you will loose the bond even further away...

• Stay connected (Again)

I used to think, the way of loving is giving as much as time and space for your loved ones, when they do their thing (business, hobbies, etc.). Well, I think I migrate to a new directions. You need to ensure they can feel your love & attention even when you are away. I used to think, texting to ask for lunch or asking when to come home will be bothering them. Now, I realize, that I need to do that more often so that they know they are loved and always in our mind. Stay connected no matter where you are. If not, somebody else will do that and the bond will be “Poof” alias gone kaya hidup sendiri-sendiri.

• Keep flirting with your husband

Kadang-kadang kita berpikir kan udah nikah, harus terima kita apa adanya dong, pakai daster ataupun pakai rok mini, mau gendut ataupun langsing. Tapi keeping the feeling that you want to be or look at your best in front of your partner is important. Melihat effort kita, mereka pasti ngerasa jadi orang special juga. So, stay beautiful in the outside is as important as being beautiful on the inside. If you don’t want to be the best for your partner, somebody else will and this is very dangerous. The bond maybe will never be the same.

Teng…Teng…jam sudah menunjukan jam 13.00, lunch-nya harus bubar dan balik ke kantor. Checklist-nya harus disudahi for now. It was a fun lunch, we had a lot of laugh but also inspiring talk. Yang paling lucu, 3 orang yang masih “in relationship” itu langsung mau pakai “The Real Wedding Checklist” itu untuk diobrolin sama pacar masing-masing hahahahahaha…Well, good luck in utilizing that checklist Girl!!! May the force be with you!!!

Well, for me, I took a minute and reflect things to myself…..I do agree that “Your Love & Your family must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort & imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing & growing” – Jim Rohn.

XOXO

The Wedding Organizer Team

Tyas, Merryza        (Advance; 7-8 yrs of marriage)

Sita, Cyndi             (Intermediate; 0-1 year of marriage)

Cut, Hanna, Okti    (Beginner; in relationship)