Salah satu
teman baru aja melepas masa lajangnya, meet the newlywed Cyndi!! Dan ada juga Sita!!!!
Temen kita yang baru nikah dan sekarang sedang expecting (alias langsung gol ga
ada jeda). So we decide to celebrate our two friends, by having lunch diluar
beberapa hari yang lalu. The newlywed (termasuk yg sudah expecting), ceritanya
request, 2 orang (me & merryza) yang sudah advance alias sebagai yang lebih
lama berada di squad “Wife” share the do's & the don’ts for wives. Apart from that, ada 3 orang teman yang masih
“in relationship”, tagged along for that lunch, and they also willing
to know more about “Married world”. They are Hanna, Cut & Okti. Obrolan
lucu tapi saya pikir-pikir itu adalah obrolan paling penting buat newlywed or
young woman in general. I thought, hey…no one told me about these stuff back
then…pantesan banyak kejeblosnya alias error…
Orang-orang (termasuk gw dulu heheheh…) checklist for a wedding, isinya gedung, kebaya, catering, souvenir bla…..bla….bla…preparation BEFORE the ceremony. Certainly it’s far from sufficient. Wedding checklist harus juga include preparation AFTER the ceremony, AFTER becoming Mr. & Mrs. And that AFTER part of the checklist, is the focus of our discussion in that lunch. We call it “The Real Wedding Checklist”.
In order to have a happy marriage and family, us (woman) & partner needs to
work on things. So, a happy marriage and family is not given, you have to work hard to
earn yourself with one. Next question is, what and how to
work it? Let's see our checklist!
No 1 : Roles
Us &
partner, need to have to get agreement mostly tentang bagaimana peranan masing-masing in marriage and
family. I think at some point, menganggap gender equality adalah benar2
equal itu mislead. Mungkin lebih realistis dikatakan pembagian peran dan
kontribusi yang imbang. Misalnya, suami janganlah menganggap enteng urusan
rumah tangga dan mengasuh anak, bila disepakati peran & kontribusi terbesar
seorang istri dalam keluarga adalah dalam hal tsb. Sebaliknya, istri juga jangan
menuntut keterlibatan suami 100% dalam urusan rumah tangga dan anak-anak, bila
disepakati peran & kontribusi terbesar suami adalah sebagai pemberi nafkah.
Nah, itu butuh banget diskusi panjang lebar to know our & partner
expectations, limitation, tolerance, in order to get the right balance of
peranan masing-masing. Us & partner need to be very specific, real & practical, dalam mendiskusikan hal
ini. Kalau diskusinya ngambang dan yang besar2 aja, dijamin pasti
terkaget-kaget. You probably want to take a look at some summary that we have
noted about husband and wife roles
- Role in house routines & bits
Saya amazed banget dengan
cerita Hanna…Kebetulan di dalam adat tradisi Batak, setelah menikah, istri
harus tinggal beberapa waktu di ruman mertua. Maksudnya adalah supaya istri
mengerti, how the husband being raised and what are the routines at the house. Menurut
saya, adat ini harus diteruskan, karena believe me, it will save you a lot of
time for adapting to each other house routines.
Why? Because, mau tidak
mau, kita selalu punya setting-an house routines dari keluarga masing-masing. Kalau partner terbiasa
disiapkan bekal ke kantor oleh ibunya dulu, which our family did not do that,
kita bisa terkaget-kaget lho betapa itu matters banget untuk diketahui in order
to give our partner that HOMEY feeling. Tanyakan household routine apa yang ada
di rumahnya. Mungkin kita bisa tanya ke mertua saja kalau mau lebih gampang
(similar dengan adat batak yang diceritain Hanna). In reality, it is the most
important thing you need to know and vice versa!
- Role in earning income or career
Ini sering jadi item
sensitive, apalagi generasi sekarang, perempuan juga punya aspirasi yang tinggi
untuk punya karir and earning money. Kalau ternyata partner punya ekspektasi
kita perannannya full at home, wakwak mungkin akan jadi masalah. Kalau ternyata
diputuskan punya peranan yang sama imbang dalam hal mencari nafkah,
limitation-nya apa? Apakah jam kerja? (e.g. boleh lembur ga? boleh banyak
perjalanan dinas ga?, etc.), Apakah lokasi? (harus deket rumah, deket orang
tua, etc.), Siapa yang mengelola keuangan keluarga (sentralisasi atau
desentralisasi?) and so on and so on…You can add your own checklist
·
- Role in raising kids
Merryza punya cerita yang
lucu…it’s a constant battle to get her partner to clean up the kids….Simple
sih, tapi kalau kita punya ekspektasi on what kind of father that we would like
our partner to be or vice versa, its better they know from the start. Misalnya,
kita ingin partner yang take lead dalam kegiatan fisik anak2, atau untuk
pendidikan anak2. Sebaliknya, tanya juga ekspektasi partner terhadap peran kita
in raising kids, apakah 100% harus oleh
kita alias no asisten (apakah itu orang tua, kakak or baby sitter)? Itu just a
few questions that pops up during that lunch.
No 2 : Danger Zone
Okay, this
section is not to be discussed with our partner hahahahaha…But it’s kind of
list of threat for your marriage and family and tips on how to deal with it.
Sometime, us, woman tend to get lost in our own definition of happily ever
after, for far too long. Kita pikir, once the vow is spoken, the bond will AUTOMATICALLY strong at all condition ,
in better or worse, happiness & sorrow. Well, we agreed that it is not
quite like that at all in Reality. We need to INTENTIONALY WORK on the bond to remain strong at all condition.
The work need to be done are some of these listed below, based on our
discussion.
- Location…Location…Location
Sama halnya dengan
prinsip jualan, kalau mau customer banyak yang datang, toko kita harus sedekat
mungkin dengan targeted customer kita dan harus terlihat oleh targeted customer
kita. Our partner, our family, also need us to be close and to be seen by them
in order for the bond remain intact. So, sebisa mungkin stay in the same
location, always. Yes mungkin ada teknologi yang semakin canggih, kita bisa
skype, video call, etc. But nothing can replace our presence. If you are not
present, somebody else will be present for them and that somebody else will
take your place. Finally the bond will be slipping away…
- Stay connected
Well, tentunya being at
the same location, even the same house or the same bed doesn’t mean that you
are connected. Masih perlu usaha lebih keras lagi. TALK to them about their day
or your day, no matter it is a happy or a bad day. NURTURE your interest toward
their hobies, learn about it, try it. THROW AWAY your gadget whenever you are
with your loved ones, give them your 100% attention. If your boss can get your
100% attention, you need need to give your partner or kids 300%. By doing that,
they will see you as a friend to talk to, to share their happiness and sorrow.
If not, they will seek someone else to talk to, and you will loose the bond
even further away...
- Stay connected (Again)
I used to think, the way
of loving is giving as much as time and space for your loved ones, when they do
their thing (business, hobbies, etc.). Well, I think I migrate to a new
directions. You need to ensure they can feel your love & attention even
when you are away. I used to think, texting to ask for lunch or asking when to
come home will be bothering them. Now, I realize, that I need to do that more
often so that they know they are loved and always in our mind. Stay connected
no matter where you are. If not, somebody else will do that and the bond will
be “Poof” alias gone kaya hidup sendiri-sendiri.
- Keep flirting with your husband
Kadang-kadang kita berpikir
kan udah nikah, harus terima kita apa adanya dong, pakai daster ataupun pakai
rok mini, mau gendut ataupun langsing. Tapi keeping the feeling that you want
to be or look at your best in front of your partner is important. Melihat effort
kita, mereka pasti ngerasa jadi orang special juga. So, stay beautiful in the
outside is as important as being beautiful on the inside. If you don’t want to be the
best for your partner, somebody else will and this is very dangerous. The bond
maybe will never be the same.
Teng…Teng…jam
sudah menunjukan jam 13.00, lunch-nya harus bubar dan balik ke kantor. Checklist-nya
harus disudahi for now. It was a fun lunch, we had a lot of laugh but also
inspiring talk. Yang paling lucu, 3 orang yang masih “in relationship” itu
langsung mau pakai “The Real Wedding Checklist” itu untuk diobrolin sama pacar
masing-masing hahahahahaha…Well, good luck in utilizing that checklist Girl!!!
May the force be with you!!!
Well, for
me, I took a minute and reflect things to myself…..I do agree that “Your Love
& Your family must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort &
imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing
& growing” – Jim Rohn.
XOXO
The Wedding
Organizer Team
Tyas,
Merryza (Advance; 7-8 yrs of marriage)
Sita, Cyndi (Intermediate; 0-1 year of marriage)
Cut, Hanna, Okti (Beginner; in relationship)
