New Path New Hope

I love my career, I love my workplace, I love my colleagues, I admired my bosses.....
I love the best feeling when accomplishing assignments and the celebrations....
I love sharing and passing on values to my juniors, knowing I contributed nurturing the seeds for future....
I said goodbye to all of that on 1st October 2014...It is bittersweet leaving all of those happy memories...

Tapi sebenarnya sampai ke keputusan untuk leaving my career adalah process of a thousand lessons. Allow me to revisit again...

AT THE BEGINING....
Sebelumnya, saya memang berencana berhenti bekerja untuk lebih fokus trying to have a baby.
Apalagi after failes IVF attempts, making me more determined more than ever before, to leave my high fast lane career yang stressfull banget. Untuk lebih santai body and mind, well people use to say it can help you to be more fertile and most of all for my inner peace (ala Po kungfu panda). Karena sekeras-kerasnya saya berteriak "I'm fine with the failed IVFs!!!!!", well I'm not. And it started to make an impact to my work, there are bad days when I can even get my mind to focus on my notebook. Jadi, mentally I do need a break to find my balance inner peace.

THE FINAL PHASE...
Recently, I've looked around, paying attention outside my inner turmoil fighting to have a baby.
Shifting my attention to my little family...
Semakin saya perhatikan, semakin nyata my flaws. Some of the examples that I've never been proud of:
- Selalu berdoa dengan khusyu asking for miracle baby, tapi berdoa seadanya for imamku (Wrong #1)
- Selalu berdoa untuk hati yang tenang, tapi min. effort utk membuat rumah yang hangat (Wrong #2)
I learn that...I'm not making the most of what I have now...Not living in the present...
Terlalu fokus pada sesuatu yang even belum ada in my world...

I began to pray more for my imam. Doa panjang yang saya rangkai dengan hati. Saya ingat waktu merangkai doa, ternyata tidak semudah itu. Merangkai doa untuk memohon yang kita inginkan, itu lebih mudah. Tapi untuk memohon sesuatu yang kita inginkan UNTUK ORANG LAIN....itu sulit.
Apa yang kita inginkan, belum tentu yang mereka inginkan, right? But hey, tidak ada cara yang paling initimate in loving someone selain mengirim doa untuk mereka. It's a secret divine way.

I began trying to build a warm home to come home to. I learned that, tidak ada yang bisa menggantikan a woman's touch in a family. The scent, presence, aura, heart & love of a woman through :
- home-made meal hot and always welcoming during breakfast & dinners
- home-made juices and cold refreshment drinks ready in the fringe to soothe the thirst
- carefully selected method of washing the clothes so they are soft & fragrant ready to caress the skin
- green garden to soothe tired eyes, flowers in the corners of rooms to colored the rooms
- Well maintained, cozy home giving warm feeling to come home to
- And availability of yourself, hands to massage the ones you love to loosen their strained neck, your 100% attention of how their days going and how you can help them prepare what they need for the next day.

I can not do all of those things while I'm working 8-5 for one of the top car manufacturer in the world.
Plus crazy traffic in jakarta is really not helping. Berangkat 5.30 AM dan sampe rumah lagi  9 PM.
For me, it's impossible. Ibarat pesawat, saya cuma punya mesin baling2 bambu, bukan jumbo jet, jadi sampe rumah sudah tinggal landing. I trully admired for all super woman out there who can jugling all of that. Tapi its time for me to admit, I'm not one of them. I have to choose. As a summary of my assessment to my little family Its not good at all...I failed...I missed a lot...I lost a lot...I paid a high price, but earned my valuable lesson...

Akhirnya mantap resign dari tempat kerja. Bukan karena orang bilang begini begitu dan lain lain. Tapi karena saya berproses, saya sadar that my scenario of life is not like general people scenario so i need to do things differently. Dan karena i need to do things differently i need more energy for myself to keep me going, sane and balance (whoosah, inner peace lagi ala Po kungfu panda, love that movie..)

So, what is the story of my life now? really its just
- Finding more flexible job (let me share it later, its quite interesting the things i found)
- 100% shifting my focus to my little family and learning to resonate the love in my heart
New path new hope...

2nd attempt with frozen embryo

Sudah lama tidak menulis...Well let's start now...After failing at the 1st attempt, kita masih punya harapan karena pada saat itu ada 2 embryo kualitas A dan 2 kualitas B yang dibekukan. Setelah menunggu sekitar 2-3 bulan, akhirnya kami mencoba lagi. Ternyata ada new facts yang kami temukan.

Pada saat proses thawing atau mungkin gampangnya de-frosting, bisa jadi kualitas embryo menurun bisa jadi bahkan akhirnya tidak selamat dari proses thawing tersebut, dalam kasus saya, kualitasnya menurun menjadi grade B. Waktu dijelaskan itu, saya sudah berganti baju persiapan untuk embryo transfer (karena kalau dg frozen embryo hanya step itu yang kita lakukan, tidak full IVF cycle). Saya hanya menatap layar komputer di ruang dingin itu dengan kecewa tapi at least happy. 1) Happy, coz I got the chance to see my little miracles for the last time, 2) Happy, at least i can manage my expectation for this cycle. Seperti rasanya sudah siap2 bawa jas hujan begitulah kata pepatah. Jadi lebih legowo....

Penantian 2 minggu waktu itu, tidak se-ekstrem sebelumnya. Saya beraktivitas sehari-hari di rumah seperti biasa, saya tetap mengambil cuti panjang dari kantor. Dan saya lebih pasrah karena telah mengetahui kondisi dan probabilitynya. Pada saat cek darah, memang hasilnya negatif. Saya ingat waktu itu, on the way home, saya katakan ke suami, bahwa kali ini lebih mudah diterima karena kondisinya telah kita ketahui sebelumnya. Saya merasa bersyukur untuk itu. Saya hanya menanyakan ke dokter, apabila kita mau mencoba lagi apa yang bisa kita perbaiki dari proses IVF nya.

Tapi bukan berarti tidak ada yang sukses dengan frozen embryo, banyak yang berhasil. Saya menuliskan pengalaman ini hanya untuk berbagi my experience. So keep possitive friends..

So, what's next for me???
Sekarang saya sedang introspeksi diri, memperbaiki diri dan mengevaluasi diri. Sometimes, Allah tidak mengabulkan doa kita, karena Dia maha tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita umatnya. And that is exactly what happens to me. He protects me and my family, by showing me that I'm actually not ready yet to hold our miracles of life. I'm still full of flaws and need to learn more on how being a good wife and Insya Allah being a good future mom (Amiin). So, we are now halting the IVF journey.

From here, I will change the course of this blog. Not quite sure yet, but maybe I will be more focus on sharing stories of my journey trying to be.....Just a better version of me in Allah's blessing...Bismillah, let the journey begin...

Will write soon

Sudah lama tidak menulis. Not even the 2nd cycle of my ivf. And many lemons happends. Im trying to make it into lemonade (very hard).Mungkin nanti harus ganti nama blog. Let me see...